


I Study Rainbows

by orphan_account



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Asexual Character, Coming Out, M/M, Pansexual Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-07
Updated: 2015-09-07
Packaged: 2018-04-19 14:21:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,074
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4749614
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He stopped himself mid sentence. Never had he had to say the words out loud. That he was pan. That he was asexual, which was a thing that was more frowned upon than being gay or lesbian or even bisexual. He was ashamed of himself for not saying it aloud. He had no problem with what he was. Never had any problem. But it was just actually saying it that made it more real, if that made sense. It made sense for Harry.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Study Rainbows

**Author's Note:**

> just a small thingy I wrote because there is way to little fanfictions about panromantic asexuals as myself.
> 
> just to clarify, Harry is panromantic and asexual

“There he is again,” Liam said, nodding towards the door where a young handsome man just walked in. The man was a regular at Payno’s, a small coffee shop in the middle of London, surrounded by Starbucks that took the customers away. The only ones that ever came here was regulars, friends of the workers, and sometimes tourists that didn’t have patience to stand in line at Starbucks when they just stood two hours outside the London Eye.

This regular was Louis Tomlinson, a very important man locally. He owned a music company called Malikson, together with the very famous R&B artist Zayn Malik. Louis was also an openly gay man. Today Louis had taken his friend with him. Zayn was a handsome lad, with cheekbones and jawline and eyes and lips and everything that made a person look perfect. He was a model too. Not surprising. And though Zayn was very handsome, there was a guy Harry himself thought looked a bit nicer. Louis Tomlinson. He was just perfect, being the exact right height for Harry to hug him(he had tried, once, because he told Louis he was a huge fan and wanted to hug him) and having these beautiful blue eyes and feathery hair. But that wasn’t anything new.

Lately Harry had found out he actually found everyone good looking. It didn’t matter to him what gender you were, if you were a boy, girl, both or none. He just liked people in general. When he told this to his internet friend(Niall), he had said that maybe Harry was panromantic. Panromantic, because Harry had, a while before that, labeled himself as asexual.

“Hello, Louis. The regular, I guess?” he asked. By now he knew Louis’ order by heart. If that was because he was maybe crushing on him was no one’s business but his own. “Thank you, Harold,” Louis answered, grinning to the younger lad. “Lou, I seriously hoped you’d learn my name by now,” Harry said, pretending to be offended by Louis’ memory. “Oi, I haven’t forgotten your name Haz. Now, Zayn here will have a black plain coffee,” he said. Harry wrote their names on the cups and gave them to Liam, who was eyeing Zayn. Liam may or may not think Zayn is very hot, just like everyone else on this bloody planet. Liam was straight though. He said so himself. He had said that “just because I’m bloody straight Harry, doesn’t mean I don’t know when a guy is good looking”.

And that was the end of that.

Liam was quickly done with the order and gave the two men their coffees. “Have a good day, Harold,” Louis said, very subtly sliding a piece of paper over the counter, Zayn rolling his eyes and looking like he thought Louis was the biggest idiot on the planet. Then they left and Harry took the piece of paper to read it.

_Call me, Harold ;) xx_

Under the message was a number Harry guessed was Louis’. He had gotten Louis Tomlinson’s number. Holy fuck.

“He gave you his number?” Liam asked, eyes widening slightly. Harry shrugged. “Guess so,” he answered. “You need to be careful with this Harry. Like, your straight. You can’t keep leading him on like that.”

Did he mention only Niall knew about his sexuality? Only Niall knew about his sexuality. It wasn’t that he was scared to tell them(except he was because most people, gay and straight, barely believed bisexuality to be a thing), he just- He didn’t even know. He didn’t want Liam to laugh at him because being a panromantic asexual wasn’t a thing.

But it was, and Harry was a living breathing example of it. And he didn’t feel the need to tell anyone either. Liam never had to go to his parents, sit them down for a serious talk and say “Mom, dad, I’m straight” just to be harshly thrown out of the house. So why should Harry? His sexuality was no one’s business but his own. Maybe it was Louis’ business, but… people rejected bisexuals because they apparently cheated on their partners just because they liked both boys and girls. Harry didn’t want that to happen to him. So maybe he was a coward about this. Maybe he was scared. But who could really blame him?

So Harry didn’t bother telling Liam that no, he didn’t just lead Louis on like that. He was actually interested in the guy.

&&

**He did text Louis later that night.**

**Harry: Hey, it’s Harry from the coffee shop**

**Louis: hi haz! what’s up? :D**

**Harry: nothing much, just watching a movie with my sister :) x**

Was the x too much? Harry had never, like, flirted with a guy before. He didn’t want to overstep.

“Harry? Who’re you texting? Must be bloody important if it distracts you from watching a movie with me,” his sister said, kicking Harry lightly in the foot. “It’s no one, Gems,” he answered. Gemma grinned. “Oh, is it a girl? Who is it? Let me see!” she said. Harry felt a pang in his chest as she mentioned the girl. He really needed to tell everyone soon. She grabbed his phone from his grip and read the name. “Louis? Text your friend later, Harry,” she said, rolling her eyes. He took back his phone, seeing that he had gotten two new texts from Louis. Giving Gemma a guilty look he answered him.

Louis: so you like movies, then? x

Louis: there’s this new movie out now that ive been wanting to see x

Harry: louis tomlinson, are you asking me out? x

Louis: pfft, no. why would i ever do that?? xx

Harry: maybe i’ll just go to the movies with someone else then… xxx

Louis: who would that be? xxxx

Harry: it’s this very cute guy, actually. he’s shorter than me, has these amazing blue eyes and always orders the same nasty coffee every morning xxxxx

Louis: very rude. my coffee taste is amazing, thank you very much. i’ll pick you up at seven. xxxxxx

Harry: that’s a date, lou xxxxxxx

&&

Harry was nervous. He had never gone to an actual date with a man. Not even a woman. His expertise on this field was none-existing. But he had no one to confine in and was really grateful that Gemma was visiting one of her friends in London while she was home from uni, because he would rather not be interrogated by her.

Louis had taken him to some movie called Bølgen(Harry didn’t know what it was). Apparently it was a Scandinavian movie and apparently Louis liked it because he had Scandinavian friends that recommended it. Though Harry didn’t understand everything it was still a good movie.

“Are you hungry?” Louis asked as soon as they got out of the movie and was stood out in the streets. Harry shrugged. “A little. Why?” he asked. Louis smiled, taking Harry’s hand in his. “I’m taking you to this restaurant I like. Not an expensive one, I promise.”

So they went. It proved not to be expensive in Louis’ head. Because he was rich as fuck. Harry was not anywhere near rich, his only income coming from the coffeeshop. The waiter led them to the booth furthest inside and told them she’d come in a while for the order. Harry didn’t even bother looking at the names, opting for checking what was the cheapest instead. He hated using more money than necessary since he was raised with little. “I can practically see which side of the menu you are reading, Harry. The money doesn’t matter right now,” Louis said, not even looking up from his own menu.

Harry put his down, crossing his arms and pouting like a child. “I don’t even know what half of these things mean,” he muttered childishly. Louis grinned as he put his menu down. “Let me order for you then. You’ll like it, I promise.”

And liked it he did.

“This is delicious, Louis. Absolutely amazing,” he said as he forced himself not to moan at how delicious this food was. Louis chuckled. “Told you you would like it. Good, innit?”

They sat there for one hour more talking nonsense, all from Louis’ hoard of siblings to Harry’s one. Harry’s love of poetry and very stupid indie music and Louis’ love for writing songs. After that they switched to coming out stories, because Harry so sorely wanted to know how the hell he was supposed to do it. “I didn’t need to come out to my mom while I was aware I actually was gay. I was commenting on cute boys in my class from I was nine. She figured it out. As for my step dad, I came out to him at dinner while the whole family was there. It went okay, just a moment of shock before he ate his food and asked if I had any crushes and stuff,” Louis had told him, smiling at what was probably good memories.

“What about Zayn?” Harry asked. He had to have the answer for Liam. Please. Louis laughed. “That’s actually a funny story. He walked in on me fucking another dude,” he said. Harry tried not to cringe at how he just casually said that he fucked a guy. And also, Louis now proved to be one to love sex since he ‘fucked’ people so his best friend walked in on him. Oh, was Harry lucky. But he did laugh with him, because that must be a funny situation to look back to when you’re older. If, you know, you actually enjoy that kind of activity. Which Harry did not.

“So, what about you, Haz?” Louis asked expectantly. Harry winced, tugging nervously at his own collar. “Uh, I kind of haven’t come out yet…” he said quietly. Louis almost dropped his fork. “Shit. And here am I taking you out to the public for a date? Fuck,” he said, regret all over his face. Harry was quick to save the situation. “No, Lou. I don’t want to date in secret. I just don’t know how to tell anyone that I’m-“ He stopped himself mid sentence.

Never had he had to say the words out loud. That he was pan. That he was asexual, which was a thing that was more frowned upon than being gay or lesbian or even bisexual. He was ashamed of himself for not saying it aloud. He had no problem with what he was. Never had any problem. But it was just actually saying it that made it more real, if that made sense. It made sense for Harry.

Louis looked pained for a second before he pushed back his chair and threw some - very much - money on the table. “Come on Harry. We’re going back to my place for a while,” he said. Harry didn’t get much say in the decision as Louis decided that walking was the best option and Harry, not feeling familiar in this part of the city, had to follow. He was really nervous. Like, Louis wanted him back at his place. In movies that meant the person wanted to have sex with you and although that was not the way Louis was acting, it was the only possible outcome in Harry’s head. But it wasn’t like he was repulsed by sex or anything, he just didn’t like it. He probably would participate in it sometime, if he wanted kids(and he did), but he just didn’t feel it was necessary to have sex. Much less on the first fucking date.

Oh god.

&&

The first thing Louis did when they got there was to drag Harry to his bedroom. It made Harry feel weirdly scared, but he tried to ignore that. Louis wouldn’t force him if he said no anyway, right? _Right?_

“Sorry, I just wanted to get somewhere more private, love,” Louis said, smiling tightly to him. He jumped on his bed and sat down, patting the space beside him for Harry to sit. Harry hesitated but decided to man up and sit down.

“Can you tell me now, Harry? Just say the words, okay? I promise, it’ll feel much better after you say aloud that you’re gay,” Louis said, his smaller-than-Harry’-hand-hand rubbing Harry’s comfortingly, small encouraging smile on his face. “But I’m not- I’m not gay, Lou,” Harry said, shaking his head. He wasn’t gay, though he felt the word gay covered all LGBTQ+ people when it came to sexuality. With everyone calling it _gay_ marriage, _gay_ pride, _gay_ bar, _gay_ this and _gay_ that, when it in reality included lesbians, bisexuals, pansexuals and everyone in between.

Whatever. That was a discussion for another time. Right now he had other matters on his hands.

“Bisexual, then? Because that’s okay, Harry. That’s totally fine by me. I don’t really care for that,” Louis said. Bless him. He was so beautiful. But Harry shook his head. He wasn’t bi either. “I’m-” he took a deep breath to calm himself “-I’m panromantic,” he finally said, closed eyes with tears threatening to fall. Why the fuck was he so scared? “Harry, that’s okay. Hey, love, look at me,” Louis said, placing his fingers on Harry’s jaw to make him look up. Harry did, his tears finally falling freely. Louis hugged him when he saw the tears. “There’s nothing wrong with that, Harry. But I thought it was called pansexual, though? Why the ‘romantic’?” Louis asked, looking genuinely confused.

Harry wanted to sob.

“Because I’m also- I’m a- I’m asexual,” he said, once again closing his eyes.

The silence was unbearable. Because there it was. Louis was repulsed by it, was trying to find a nice way to reject Harry so that he wouldn’t leave a too heartbroken guy behind because Louis really wasn’t that person. But he was right now, Harry was sure, because how can someone even remotely like a person who can’t handle a little sex? Sex which is, like, the most natural thing in the world and _why the fuck am I such a freak-_

“Harry, hey, babe! Why’re you crying so hard, huh? There’s nothing to cry about,” Louis said, once again hugging him tightly to himself. Harry looked up, struggling to see through his tear-filled eyes. “You don’t hate me for it?” he asked, voice shaking “I can’t really say I know what an asexual is, Harry,” Louis said with a small smile. Harry took a shuddering breath trying to calm his breathing.

“It means I don’t feel sexual attraction. Like, I don’t know how normal people work, but you probably think about, like, having sex with people you find attractive or something? But I don’t feel that. I kind of find it disgusting. Not like, when others do it, but I can’t ever like see myself doing anything sexual unless it’s for, like, having kids or whatever, but- fuck sorry, I’m such a fucking freak and I’m so sorry, I’ll leave Louis, I don’t blame you for hating me-“

Harry tried to get out of Louis’ grip, but it was impossible to do so. “Harry. Fuck, I don’t care, okay? It’s your sexuality. Of course I don’t hate you. Wouldn’t it be hypocritical of me to tell others not to hate on sexualities, and then I hate yours? I won’t do that to you. You are perfect like you are Harry. Just like you are. And now that we’ve settled that, we need to tell your family.”

&&

His family turned out to be simple as fuck. They had about the same reaction as Louis, but they didn’t know what a pansexual was even, much less panromantic asexual. But it went fine, though his step father took a while to get used to the idea. Harry tried not to feel hurt by it. When he said he came out to his family, he meant only his mother and stepfather.

He had yet to come out to his sister, who was mad at him because he apparently promised to meet up with her the day after his date with Louis, but he had stayed the night with Louis because he was too of an emotional wreck to go outside. (Said Louis.) So he still had to tell her, but he was nervous.

She had said a few homophobic things before. Maybe she didn’t actually know it was homophobic, because straight people often said homophobic things without knowing, exactly like Harry found himself saying racist things without meaning to. But he was still scared she would be mad at him for not being straight.

Ahhh, angst. Fucking terrible feeling.

&&

When he came out to his sister they were in the middle of a game of scrabble. She was complaining about how Harry never brought girls home. “Harry, when are you going to bring a girl home for me to judge?” she asked. And that was when he decided it was time. “What if I brought a guy,” he said quickly. “Like, maybe I won’t- maybe I’ll still bring a girl, but- but what if it’s a guy?” he asked. He refused to meet her eyes. “What, so you’re bisexual?” she asked, needing to make sure. Harry shook his head. “Pansexual, then?” she asked. Harry felt so happy he could cry when it proved she probably knew what it was.

“Panromantic,” he corrected, finally daring to meet her eyes. She looked at him with love and care. “Romantic… isn’t that what people use when they’re- wait, you are asexual too?” she asked. Harry slowly nodded, waiting for the bad reaction. But it didn’t come.

“Okay,” she said, smiling in a way that told Harry she didn’t care about who he didn’t have sex with. She placed a letter on the board. “I’m winning, by the way.”

&&

Harry had been happily dating Louis for about a week when he and Zayn finally turned up at the coffee shop again. That was how he came out to Liam, and there was no other way he would have it happen. The two of them were flirting a lot, earning a few looks from Liam. When Louis and Zayn finally left, Liam went up to him.

“Does Tomlinson think you two are together or something?” Liam asked with a laugh.

“He doesn’t think,” Harry said, grinning widely. “He knows.”

“What do you mean, knows?”

“That we’re together, of course.”

Three seconds of silence.

"Harry  _fucking_ Styles-"

**Author's Note:**

> hope you enjoyed


End file.
